You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
