You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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