I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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