he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
