If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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