Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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