Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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