Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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