Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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