the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
This is my life. Enjoy the view
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
