Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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