People in love make me want to vomit
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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