I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm at about main and main street
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
