...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize