Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
