I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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