Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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