Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
