Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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