I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
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