I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
