soooo we both peed the bed last night...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
