Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
