why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
