The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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