i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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