he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
my liver is dry heaving
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
