Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
