Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
