Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
