shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
