Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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