I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Drunk is not a location!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
