Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
