Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I was not drunk enough for that final.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
