Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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