4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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