You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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