True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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