And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
