Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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