the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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