Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
