Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
