I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
