There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
