did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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