Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize