she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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