I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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