i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
should my penis look like a turkey
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
