i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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