yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
