hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize