whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
