Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
