Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
