grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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