Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
