So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
